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I think I'm losing all my friends. Is it normal?

Topic created Β· 47 Posts Β· 3720 Views
  • Guys, I just want to know if this happens to everybody during the course of their preparation or is it just me who is going through this?

    This is my first attempt at UPSC. I'll be giving prelims on June 2nd. All my friends are either working or studying abroad.

    They're enjoying life-watching movies, going out on road trips, clubbing,shopping, going for team lunches.

    I have given up on all of this completely.

    However, since I have no one( all my friends have shifted outside cuz of work. There's not a single person in my city), I feel quite lonely everyday. Besides, some of my classmates from my UPSC class also keep going on week long trips with their friends. I feel like maybe I'm taking the exam too seriously. If they don't crack the exam, they'll at least have their friends. If I don't crack the exam l will not even have that privilege as I cut them off completely.

    My friends do call me but that's just like once a month or so. And talking over call isn't the same as meeting them.

    Also, the last time I spoke to a friend over call, which was around 2 months back- my friend told me "you're cutting yourself off from everyone. You're sacrificing so much for an exam where there is no guarantee that you will crack even if you study for 24 hours a day. Is it worth giving up everything for this? You'll lose friends, your time, your youth. Is it really worth it? Think about it."

    He didn't say that to hurt me. He was concerned about me. But it triggered me really bad. I cried so much. I don't know why his words affected me. From that day, I have stopped receiving calls from my friends completely. It's been two months now since I spoke or chatted with my friends. I miss them and I do feel very lonely and uncertain about the future.

    Does this happen to everyone attempting the exam?

    I have heard stories of how people cut themselves off since 3-4 years so that they could secure a rank in UPSC. A lot of toppers keep saying how it is important to cut off from the outside world, avoid friends, distractions and social media. That's what I have done too. All of this has made me focused but also lonely. I'm not at all depressed but kind of confused about where I'm heading.

    P.S: Guys, this is my first post. So, I'm sorry if I have started a discussion in the wrong place or something. I'm not aware of the protocols.

  • Ooh .. I happened to read ( beginning part only 😐) this post because if it’s title but now really don’t have to time to write a detailed response ( didn’t want to ignore also after reading ) 😐.. just one thing I would like to write .. as you are giving pre on 2nd June so just single mindedly focus on study and study only .. nothing else ... this thing about making oneself isolated and all can be pondered over after 2nd June .

  • I think all of us do through this phase. Cautiously make friends in the UPSC zone, everything will be fine.

    A bit of socialization won't hurt as long as the priorities are clear.

  • skip this attempt
    if possible skip cse forever
    *chatur alert

  • @jina_the_conqueror
    You are not alone bro. People who used to flock around in the college don't even want to talk now.
    Most of my friends are in well paying corporate jobs or are in IIMs/abroad. People always think you are nobody unless you have result to show in your hand.

    I don't even have many UPSC friends since i took no coaching. But, isn't this isolation and rejection by friends a motivation in itself?
    Good luck bro.

  • its not necessary to remain cut off from all your friends while preparing for CSE. Talking to them once a week will not hamper your studies. Instead, it will be like a refreshment to you. Talk about politics, current happenings and everything else that is going around you.
    They are bound to feel that you are ignoring them if you dont receive their calls man. Some of them might even think that you are too proud. Just connect to them. 2 months is a long time to not to talk to your friends. I can understand your situation.
    The amount of time which you are wasting while thinking about all this can all be utilised to talk to your friends. Still you will be left with some more time. Dont be too harsh on yourself by being cut off from all your friends. Dont go by the talks of toppers. There are many toppers who have maintained healthy relationships with their friends and yet secured good ranks.

  • @jina_the_conqueror said in I think I'm losing all my friends. Is it normal?:

    Guys, I just want to know if this happens to everybody during the course of their preparation or is it just me who is going through this?

    This is my first attempt at UPSC. I'll be giving prelims on June 2nd. All my friends are either working or studying abroad.

    They're enjoying life-watching movies, going out on road trips, clubbing,shopping, going for team lunches.

    I have given up on all of this completely.

    However, since I have no one( all my friends have shifted outside cuz of work. There's not a single person in my city), I feel quite lonely everyday. Besides, some of my classmates from my UPSC class also keep going on week long trips with their friends. I feel like maybe I'm taking the exam too seriously. If they don't crack the exam, they'll at least have their friends. If I don't crack the exam l will not even have that privilege as I cut them off completely.

    My friends do call me but that's just like once a month or so. And talking over call isn't the same as meeting them.

    Also, the last time I spoke to a friend over call, which was around 2 months back- my friend told me "you're cutting yourself off from everyone. You're sacrificing so much for an exam where there is no guarantee that you will crack even if you study for 24 hours a day. Is it worth giving up everything for this? You'll lose friends, your time, your youth. Is it really worth it? Think about it."

    He didn't say that to hurt me. He was concerned about me. But it triggered me really bad. I cried so much. I don't know why his words affected me. From that day, I have stopped receiving calls from my friends completely. It's been two months now since I spoke or chatted with my friends. I miss them and I do feel very lonely and uncertain about the future.

    Does this happen to everyone attempting the exam?

    I have heard stories of how people cut themselves off since 3-4 years so that they could secure a rank in UPSC. A lot of toppers keep saying how it is important to cut off from the outside world, avoid friends, distractions and social media. That's what I have done too. All of this has made me focused but also lonely. I'm not at all depressed but kind of confused about where I'm heading.

    P.S: Guys, this is my first post. So, I'm sorry if I have started a discussion in the wrong place or something. I'm not aware of the protocols.

    hamari sunba na toh gania phat jayi

    its only yours 1st attempt bhai.....there are so many people including me who has given 2-4-5 year in this upsc preparation hamari socho

    log aate hai log chale jaate hai,this is a law of nature.....tumko akela hi ladna hai akela hi girna hai aur akele hi uthna hai

    har insaan ki life me sirf 2-3 imp (real) friends hote hai baaki sab matlabi hote hai,ther never wants ki tumahre saath accha ho.....so un 2-3 ke piche bhaago na ki jamane ke piche

  • @Exo Okay. I really have no other option apart from studying. Thanks though. I know my post is long...starting ka padh liya wohi bahut badi baat hai..:p

  • @Phagocyte Joining a library could help.

  • @batman Thanks man. All the best to you too.

  • @jina_the_conqueror Bhai. Go to sleep. And get to work tomorrow. You'll have friends, many of them as you go through this. Isn't this month important enough to not care about socialisation much? In the first attempt everything is so interesting and fun to read anyway.

  • @Raillife Sahi baat Kahi. Bas yahi jaana tha ki main akele toh nahi hoon who is going through this phase.

  • Dont Worry Just Study for Prelims barely One month is left Just fight with whatever energy and whatever preparation you have

    Calm Your Nerves
    Attaching Some Articles
    https://www.inc.com/geoffrey-james/use-neuroscience-to-remain-calm-under-pressure.html
    https://www.elitedaily.com/life/motivation/nervous-good-embrace-butterflies

    https://www.fastcompany.com/3042153/10-steps-to-keep-calm-and-carry-on

  • @Phagocyte So I'm not the only one then. And yes, I will definitely socialize, once I'm done with my exams. Just wanted to put these bad thoughts to rest.

  • @Freakhoto Thanks man. I'll definitely have a look at them.

  • @jina_the_conqueror Welcome πŸ™‚ Just Study This Month is crucial will have to prepare to deal with lot of stress and Insecurities So just focus on one thing at hand rather than going on for too many thing.. You can even stop coming to forum also if that is giving you Scary thought..
    This month requires Light Mood,Hope for the Best,Having Faith,Deciding How to Read all the Previous month Notes and Above All how will you approach the question irrespective of what Unpredictability UPSC Throws at our face

  • is case mein toh I am so fortunate yaar ...hmare friends hain jo pehle 2-3 saal job kiye India mein hi....phir iim se nikalkar loan repay kar rahe hain. Jinki loan repay ho gayi hai unpe ab shaadi ki pressure hai........

    P.S- kuch hi friends last tak reh paate hain....either you prepare for CSE or don't.

  • Why are you so much worried about things that are "renewable". You can make friends anytime in future, even if you don't get selected (God forbids); but do you really think that this moment of preparing and attempting the exam will ever come back to you again in future!
    Think it yourself and think rationally which you can since you have been preparing for this exam!
    You know brother there is no such thing as free lunch, you have to always pay the price, and this price can be your everything!
    So don't lose hope over such petty issues. If you clear ( I wish so), you will have so many people to make friends that you would like to run away from all of them! If, God forbids, you don't even then you WILL make new friends wherever you will go!
    Just focus on your goal nothing else.

    Always remember:
    "You have got what it takes,
    But it will take all that you've got!"

    Wishing you all the best and success in your endeavors!
    Prepare well. πŸ™‚

  • In this very demanding and tedious journey the only genuine support system will be your parents and siblings(95% of the times)!
    Make sure you are always nice to them!
    All the best!

  • Bhai sari gfs ki shadi ho gyi, friend ek bhi dhang Ka bacha NHI,
    Prelims nikalne ki uncertainty AJ bhi Bani hui hai, sab job Kar hai, me library me baithe sapne Bunn rha Hu...2-3 sal ho gye pass out hue, 2017 prelims me 76 no. The , 2018 me Diya NHI ..is bar padha hai..ab Dekho kya hota hai...alone sab hai, sabki esa hi Lagta hai is phase me...

  • @Durkheim dil chura lia tum(u just stole my heart by ur words)

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  • @jina_the_conqueror

    😬.... you got really good advice here by some really good users ... just try to implement that now πŸ™‚.. good luck πŸ‘

  • Hi,

    I can understand your feeling and completely empathize with you. I have also faced this dilemma in my life.

    Brief about me: I am 28+ year old, working as a professional and preparing at the same. This will be my 4th attempt, though gave interview in earlier attempt as well.

    Pre-2016: I felt that before working, my life was super fun, living in Bengaluru, enjoying with my friends and team mates. I had lot of friends, partying with them over weekends. I like to travel and had dream of going for Euro Trip.

    Post-2016: I thought of preparing for UPSC, I leave my job and came to Delhi (thought, you have to be in Delhi to prepare for UPSC, and moreover, I had many friends in Bengaluru, with them I am spending lot of my time... stupid decision!!! ). So, I joined another organization and purposely, made distance between my office mates and myself, so that I can avoid parties and get-togethers.

    Yes, I cleared prelims and mains too in that attempt itself. But not interview. So, cycle of pre-mains-interview remains there.

    My dilemma was: I am already earning a handsome salary, way more than an IAS can earn (white money πŸ˜‰ ). I had sexy fun life. I could have moved to US like my other Software friends. But I chose otherwise. Here I am, 28 year old still preparing for UPSC, juggling between my work life, personal life and UPSC.

    But is it worth it? : No idea, I am not a guru. But what I can say is I am doing what I like. I want to be in service. Though it demands sacrifice, lots of it, but that everything in life demands.

    Will it be worth it in future if I clear? : No idea. But I will be going to a workplace where I want to.

    So, my philosophy is :
    "Just relax and do your bit"

    There is no need to take this exam seriously. Its just a part of life. And those who says - "studying for atleast 12 years is necessary", its bull shit and not at all required. This exam needs smart learning and understanding. And do remember, you just need approx 50% of the marks. Thats it!!

    So study, enjoy, play, roam around (Delhi is beautiful city, if you are in Delhi), make some new friends (positive people), video chat with your friends (but don't compare them with you).

    At the end, I tell you what I have written for myself:

    "I have sacrificed a lot for this, Now don't sacrifice it"

  • @Durkheim Golden words. 😊 I needed this consolation. Thank you.

  • @Freakhoto your words motivate me too

  • Even I too had just one school friend during preparation....no college friends and as i prepared from home so no aspirant friend at all.But I enjoyed my company,family and focussed on the task at hand.And in academy,have made 4-5 lifelong best friends.So make your priority and go for it.

  • @jina_the_conqueror points m bta rha depth ko smjhna.

    1. You are not alone. Most of us have felt same at one or other time.

    2. Yesss ALL THIS PAIN, ALL THIS SECLUSION, ALL THIS ISOLATION etc is worthy. The day you clear this exam you will realise that.

    3. Friendship is not just about daily calling and messaging etc. It's much deeper. You will have 2 3 people in your life who will always be there irrespective of telephonic connection frequency. Just be respectful whenever you meet them. Let them taunt you about your BEPARWAAHI. You just keep saying "KMINO TUM JRURI HO. BUT ABHI IAS KRNA H. OR AGAR YE NHI SMJH M AATA TO BHAAD M JAO. Ban k call kruga agar nhi uthaya to ghar m ghus k marunga." Bss itta hi. True friends will always understand.

    4. Baaki "so called friends" - wo khi nhi jaa rhe. I rejoined social media after 6 years post selection. I got 99.99% of old friends back with 3500+ never known friends. Most of them appreciating my seclusion and efforts unconditionally.

    5. Make good serious aspirant friends in upsc preparation for daily discussion (try to make those who study more and talk less) . Baki college k 2 3 maximum chaddi yrr ko unke bday etc pe call krte rho bss.

    6. Yes you will lose 1 2 really good caring people in your life in this long journey. But you will get opportunity to get back to them too. Atleast to say sorry. They will not too hate you. But that much sacrifice is worthy for this exam.

    7. Read for prelims. It's just anxiety of prelims. You will feel better post prelims. Give your best. Achieve your best. ATB

    #Hum_Honge_Kamyaab_Ek_Din

  • @Yo_Yo_Choti_Singh Straight from the horse's mouth... I have one more reason to believe that "Kuch paane ke liye Kuch khona hi padta hai. And uss cheez ko paane ke baad, sab khoya hua bhi wapas mil jaata hai." Thank you sir and Congratulations!!

    Thanks to each and every Forumias member who answered my question and motivated me despite not knowing me personally. I felt refreshed reading your answers. We are all in this together and we will conquer this exam! Let's do it guys...all the best to everyone.

    Since most of you all said this is something that every aspirant goes through, your advice will be helpful for many upsc aspirants. You have not just helped me but many others. Thank you once again! πŸ™‚

  • @jina_the_conqueror
    Hello Jina. Don't worry much about your current state of affairs.

    Yes, it is not mandatory that you cut off all social associations. But even if you have done this ( deliberately or it just happened over time) accept it as part of the bigger sacrifice that UPSC demands. In the end you have to answer yourself: Did you do justice to the the voyage you undertook?

    Don't overthink. Accept the stage where you have reached and keep on going.

  • @Raillife bhai 2-3 bhi change hote rehte hain contextually. It's just that you have to be confident about yourself that you're worth the time of even strangers when you need it because you are yourself ready to do that for a stranger. Hak se maangte hain because we wear our hearts on our sleeves.

  • @Acidpop sahi kaha aapne bhai

  • Prepration of upsc teaches you to differentiate b/w people.It shatters all those childhood and college days friendships as most of upsc aspirants are on intellectual side .This is common with many aspirants,so no need to worry much.Try to socialise among fellow upsc aspirants and learn to move on in life.All the best.πŸ™‚

  • @jina_the_conqueror Hello dear. Just wanted to say, you will find a new friend circle which will be aligned to your goal. One thing that we need to understand is that change will happen. Either the circumstances will change or your friend circle. The more effort that you put in clinging to your friend circle, the more heartbroken you will be. Let go, for once. Life has a way of throwing beautiful surprises, which will blow your mind. Concentrate on the forthcoming prelims for now. Those who understand your struggle will stick to you, no matter what.
    Stay blessed!

  • Be it upsc preparation phase or job or for that matter life, your friend circle is going to shrink, undergo filtering with time, for good or for bad. Change is inevitable. As many have said, don't over think cause it's normal. Learn to make efforts on your part too, to cherish the genuine friendships (could be family too). Also, be humble and helpful to other people (strangers) that you come across in your daily routine/ preparation path (co aspirants) for they too might be going through similar phase in one way or another, and you never know how lifelong friendships could develop through this simple gesture. In any case, it's not gonna harm to be kind and helpful.
    Above all, don't let these insecurities creep in your thoughts cause you've been sacrificing so many things just to focus on this preparation. Priorities for now.

  • One of the many perks of being an introvert
    No friends, No fear of losing anyone.
    πŸ€—πŸŒ

  • @Sanket m also preparing and working also...but the problem is m preparing alone and the upsc test series centres are far away ....so m unable to maintain the intensity continuously...I have attempted mains twice but failed to clear.....how do u keep up the focus when alone and distracted by work...

  • @Pk19 probelm no.1 - distracted by work

    It is not the work that distract it is our nature entails us do it again & again , ego is always have readymade excuse {even if person works in pmo , McKenzie , google find out to time planning weekend smartly can do wonders} ,although ofc time slot is fully packed & u genuinely don't find time to study , leave the job, study full time if passionate only for this otherwise leave preparation look out other prospect in jobs or related thing mba , own startup { don't live in dilemma that only upsc clearing gives meaning to your life , be aware about yourself what u really want }

    Probelm no.2 : preparing alone

    why u need anyone in physical to guide you already things r out there on digital platform , let give you my example since couple of months I was trying to study from home but doesn't help , so joined library to study so that I get environment where everybody is studying where u can't just to bed to sleep or starting watching YouTube for prolong time , but brother tell you one thing I don't talk to anyone day since I joined or wouldn't talk in near future because I know talking lead to friendship to lead constant engaging cause of focus deviation & I have no time to spare , preparing for next year for 3rd last attempt ,last attempt ( in mind , so give Whatever it takes ) ..one more thing discipline way above than motivation never forget that

    So we only need friendship deviate oneself from study and relax,
    come back to study that u can do through other also in breaks meditate, watch & read something which act as guiding path to get better version of yourself , instrospect , join any test series , take self mentorship .

    To manage your schedule check the group created by ishwarya
    daily routine or you can msg me .

    Even after that you need someone ..me and several others are here to talk and help you anytime.

  • @jina_the_conqueror Aao kbhi haveli (ORN) me!

  • This post is deleted!
  • @jina_the_conqueror Some great realisations in the anxiety of test

    1. No friend can heal you, no matter how soulmate you are. They can never understand the anxiety frustration you are going through. I do video chat on every weekend for an hour to last 2 remaining friends. And probably going to loose contact with one due to different situations, different place, different mindset now over 2 years.

    2. Both got Phd after IIT in top colleges of world and I am in same room from last two years. Sometime regret on myself what better I could have done.

    3. Even parents can't control their frustration sometime. They can not understand everything you are going through. But you are dependent on them, unke tukdo pe pal rhe ho. I cried 2 h after I told my mother that I am feeling anxious and she scolded me(She herself is sick, so can understand). Basically you are alone. I have to fight alone, every man/woman is alone in this journey.

    4. Most people will be like they want to, rigid, rude, negatively competitive, closed, so finding good peer is difficult here.

    5. Many of my batch mates got into service in first, second attempt, who were less performer than me in college. Gives a question mark on your abilities and what you are doing is still right? I failed in Prelims straightaway.

    6. Nobody calls me on normal day, how I feel. But on result day everybody will search for you in every corner and calls you.

    I am alone, happy, frust, sad every emotion what can be simultaneously. But what I guess is this is what it is. You have to be strong and really disciplined. Only you are the last and strongest support to yourself. You can trust only yourself and UPSC past papers. They are the only reliable option in this world of truth and lie, business and marketing.

    But once this high time passes we forget these learning and repeat same mistake again and again. I hope that I remember this time.

  • @Komorobi well said,i think many of us are in same boat and controlling emotions is the best thing we can do right now.

  • @Pk19 I also faced that challenge. Online test series have its own challenges. I can advice you to stick to the schedule (not too heavy though πŸ˜‰ ) Join any test series (online if it works for you), and stay focused with its schedule.

    PS: I am assuming "upsc test series centres" means centers of coaching institutes.

  • @Komorobi nobody calls on a normal day!. Such similar lives

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