Small steps to kickstart again
Hello Forum members,
Tldr: not able to find my rhythm again post prelims, worried about future plans, need to know small initial steps members here take to push themselves forward.
I gave this year's prelims but didn't make it through ( second attempt, first serious attempt after college); due to nervousness of this whole year ( though I enjoyed my preparation thoroughly) D day went bad for me especially CSAT where I did stupid mistakes in maths section and stuck at boundary of 65.xx. After checking keys, I was getting 96-100 (OBC) in paper 1.
Why am I telling all this here?
I have read and heard about those people who push themselves to go through same material and timetable again. Even though for the past 15 days I have been reviewing my journal of timetable which I completed everyday before prelims**, I am surprised to be unable to do so again.** I would like to know what are the small steps taken initially to get yourself kicking again.
Also though not disappointed as such and always been a supporter of growth mindset, I have recently been finding myself overwhelmed with the future possibilities due to the age factor ( I am 25 already and backup career to be PhD in one of basic science topics) and the possibility of ending with nothing in my hand next year too. This is also affecting my decision making skills to some extent ( i.e. whether to activate the backup plan now or after one more attempt)
I know that argument of all the knowledge gained here helps but wanted to know how you guys keep at it, knowing that you're not earning, knowing that your parents see you everyday and you're not able to tell them your heart out just because you don't want them to be worried? Recently tried to cry as well but was not able to do so.
I know all this has been answered, done and dusted multiple times here on forum, but I think I am just here to let myself out and just hopefully find something that clicks enough to hang on to. Any advices? Harsh comments are invited too, just want to get myself out of this rut.
My best wishes to all the members here.
@Juggernaut This was my third prelims, the last 1 year prior to prelims was all about me being in a confused state, having no clear vision whether to exercise a backup such as ssc or continue upsc preparation full throttle. So weighing all the uncertainties that upsc process brings in I chose ssc option.
Now how the ssc option went for me.. The entire year was lethargic, I knew I didn't belong here, my heart was somewhere else and just for future security I was gutting myself out...
Do I regret the last year?... Yaa i do... A hell lot... But what some time away from upsc made me realise is... If there is one thing in life I want for now it's to crack this exam.. I enjoy the process and there is no reason I can't do it... The vigour came back and the hunger to study reached the levels I had not previously experienced..
Though I gave ssc this year and m getting a good enough score in tier 1 I won't be giving tier 2 and focusing solely on upsc because that's where my heart is and that's what makes me happy.
Coming to the point of how to get back in the grooves.. Buddy the thing that has been repeated quite often and I will repeat it once more.. Ask urself y?
Not just why upsc but why its important for me to follow my dream? .. Why is it that I can't quit?... Why did I come here? All those why's would reinvigorate that feeling that made u come on this path for the first time... All those answers who help clear up the baggage of past and help u push forward... Would help u follow ur heart.
I understand its rational to have a plan b but then are we supposed to be rational and go great things at the same time.. I think not.. And let this failure be the stepping stone to sometime great that lies ahead.
I am an emotional being and I chose to let my heart dominate me one more time.. Lets C where it takes me.
@Juggernaut Hey buddy, confusion and fear of losing ur prospects is legit and must happen for 'confusion breeds clarity' one day, ponder on all ur confusions,fears and imagine prospect of choosing any of them- Would then u be satisfied?
If 'yes'- ur not meant to be here, If 'no' u will stay here; Most of us go through this
Only worth Q is- 'Is it worth to be doing this again and again'
About uncertainity- yes UPSC has too much of it, but i have come to believe it wants us to be proficient in overcoming it- so it will require all our energy(fear of failure might help u here in putting extra effort)
Anything easy comes with little effort and has little worth, this is not one of those
"If u can't take failure u are not worthy of success"
U will find a way if u really want it, hope u find urs
P.S.- pardon me for being blunt
@Juggernaut You are going through one of the most obvious phase. Please don't overburden yourself by thinking if there is something wrong in it or how others managed it - you are a different person and therefore you will have to find your own way - after taking a break and refreshing yourself or moving slowly and then gaining the momentum or something else. It is you who will have to decide that.
A brief background about myself - I am almost 27. unemployed. Left a decently paying job and a wonderful job for CSE in 2017. Wrote mains last year and failed to clear prelims this year.
Since I had given myself time of two attempts solely for CSE and now that I am done with those two attempts, I have started preparing for other exams. It's not because I don't want to study anymore or I can't but I know I can't stay in the cycle for a very long time. Despite people coming and telling me how I am quitting, I feel it's equally important to know what is the saturation point for an individual. Since mine isn't too far, I decided to work on other exams too. I will be writing CSE 2020 but not only that.
It's hard and difficult to imagine that I am doing this but well I felt having a backup will make me strong now rather than weak.
I would say, don't be too strict with yourself. See how your mind works. The day results came, I was devastated and the next day I was looking for random jobs. It took me a while to figure out what I want and I can do for it. Only you can push yourself through this and find an answer.
May the force be with you! all the best
@Napoleon @logan @Joeyisthebest thank you for taking the time out to give prompt replies. Yes, I guess time and again I have said it to myself that it is up to me to decide all this and I will be do it. I have to just reduce these periods of negative thoughts. I have started again by going back to the review I wrote on D day evening regarding the mistakes I did in the exam. It was more of an execution issue for me rather than the knowledge game. Will work on it.
Also, just mentioning, after knowing yours and other stories here on forum, I feel my decisions aren't that hard/complicated to take, thank you for showing the level at which I need to work.
Again, thank you for taking the time out and I hope you guys do well in your endeavors.