I don't know if this is the right platform but I'm still posting it. I've been going through some hard times and I am on the verge of a total breakdown, or perhaps I already have reached there.
I don't want to dwell into this depression anymore and the motivation and life goes on isn't helping. I've tried. I don't want to waste another year in vain and want to get through the exam no matter what. I've already (like many of us) let go of a promising career in my own professional line and have been here on this upsc journey for more than two years with repeated failed attempts.
Could there be a support group where we could do something productive, recreational everyday for a while. Or just help get out of this phase.
or could someone just recommend something. I am not able to read, write do anything. I am alone here. Can't be vulnerable to family. Friends only see he's sad so they'll just invite for parties and drinks. I don't feel like doing that either. I am like total lifeless. But I really want to get out of this.
@PhoenixD i fear height very much, and getting into a pool of water, my heart starts pumping like anything just by the thought of it. In military Academy during training days, i had a test of batallion jump in which entire batallion of 120 people had to jump from a height of 10m on the very first day. It was written there, they will teach swimming to non swimmers, i asked my batallion commander how can i jump i dont know swimming, but behind that it was my fear of height and water. My batallion commander told me everything is in ur head, u win from there u lose from there. I went said my company call, though my leg was shaking at 10m, i filled my lungs and shouted para para hajipara, my company call and jumped. Trust me i didnt know how i did it, from where i got that courage. Later i realised it is really a game of mind.
Another incident when a student during a conference asked brigadier training who was a genius when it comes to counter insurgency, how we r going to recover, there is muscle fatigue and we r just running whole day, there is no rest, cadets are fainting, and we r not able to get adequate rest for muscle building. He said if u r getting time to think all this u r actually not doing the training properly. Apparently he got a route march of 20km.
So brother or sister, just trust me, its a game of mind, mental strength is real and not a topic of talk show. It works. Stay there, be patient no matter what is happening on ur side. Upsc is manageable, just do the requisite. Hope these incidents of my life cud help u.
@PhoenixD Let go of this attachment!
We've fixated ourselves on a stupid exam. What if I fail? What if it takes more years than I've imagined it would? Blah blah...
Think about the time when you decided to pursue civil services. This very conviction put you ahead of some 10 lakh folks who write SSC every year. They don't think they're 'meant' for UPSC.
Focus on 'meant'. Nobody is meant for anything. It's one's own beliefs, ideas, discipline etc. which determine what one's going to be. Why not focus on those beliefs, ideas and discipline?
You're already amongst the top 1% minds in the country if we judge people on personality scale. Doesn't this make you feel proud?
Why not take pride in this fact and get back to working with your beliefs, ideas and discipline?
Detach yourself with the outcome of the process. Enjoy what you do. One day, you'll give the exam. You'll come back and keep enjoying what you do. One day, you'll clear prelims. You'll keep enjoying what you do. One day, you'll clear mains. You'll still be in love doing what you do because you don't give a rat's ass to these superficial metrics of success. One day, you'll be selected for services! You won't even know and the process will be over. Because, you didn't care about the outcome all along.
Do you think/worry about the ending when the movie begins? No. Because you enjoy what you do.
Let me also share something which keeps me floating-
If you were given a matchbox to light a candle and you didn't know how to light it. (Consider yourself a primitive human)
What would you do? You don't live if you can't light the candle!
Wouldn't you try? You'd touch them both, pick them, do something with them. You'd fail 100 times, but eventually you'd be able to realise that striking against the filler on the side of the box would light the stick!
Would you be able to figure this out without picking up the matchbox?
Reflect this anecdote in your life.
You've picked up the matchbox. You're still finding ways to light the matchstick. Keep doing it. There's no chance you'd fail. You've ample matchsticks with you. All you need is patience and peace in your mind. A bit of smartness to not repeat the acts which failed to light your matchstick. Just keep improvising. Keep doing. With every new way, you're inching closer to discovering the real way.
One day, it will be lit. You sir, will be lit AF that day.
Thank you for your kindness. I wish I can apply that onto me. However, if it was fear, I'd have jumped too. But when you have to live the same everyday, the monotony of suffering is exhausting. It's not about the exam and what if not, just the lack of it. One part of me is a Buddhist youth, and another is scared to not having lived a happy life afterall.
Thank you. I will do what you guys recommended.
Take a leap. Or not think about the future. Or past.
@PhoenixD what is your educational background ?
@PhoenixD quite in the same boat. In preparation cycle for 2 years. Thinking of getting a job and doing it side by side. I can totally relate what you are going through. Just try to find something you can do along side maybe a job or a side hobby. And well in this upsc journey , our youth gets sacrificed automatically. maybe you can use a break and chill out for a while. And come back again.